An Evolving Hobby

I am getting so excited about a new venture of mine...I wasn't going to blog about it until it was for sure-for sure. But, I just can't help myself. And, I figure, the more people who know about it and send out positive thoughts my way the better. I am in the "interview process" with Parenting Magazine to become a featured author on their website. A friend of a friend is an editor there, and my sweet friend forwarded her my blog. The editor was very pleased with my writing style, and loved the content of my blog. Mind you, the content. She made sure to let me know that I am going to need help with html codes and pictures to make my blog more "esthetically pleasing." I was expecting that. So, I am on the look out for people who are willing to help me with html, and I am going to start to figure out how to use a camera that is more than just my pocket-size point and shoot. I hate taking pictures, so, this is going to be a real test for me.

So, part of the interview process with Parenting is, they are going to send me two to three topics, and I am going to write about them. I was sent my first topic yesterday, "Cloth Diapering" with a due date of TODAY. Apparently, that is how it is going to work normally. I basically get 24 hours to write, edit, and send in my articles. BUT, along with my articles will be my bio, which will have a link to my blog. Hopefully, this will generate more traffic, and perhaps, turn my blog into something much, much more down the line. VERY exciting. I will be sure to post my Cloth Diapering article on my blog once I am done.

I am really hoping that this relationship with Parenting works out. I can't see it being anything but fun and exciting for me. Being able to get paid to do what I love, what I consider therapy...writing...MAN. What more could I ask for?!

Keep me in your thoughts!

"Words Have Meaning and Names Have Power"

Our new baby girl...


Olive Cecilia Karns


We can't wait to meet you and see your sweet face. January can't come soon enough <3

Sugar and Spice

Well, folks...we are having a baby GIRL due in January! Two little girls. Sisters. AH we are just so thrilled. We were called to come in for the scan on Wednesday as opposed to the 29th due to scheduling problems. No problem here! We were so excited to get to come in and check this baby out. The scan was AMAZING. First of all, Maternal Fetal Medicine at St. Francis is wonderful. The staff is warm, helpful, and very enthusiastic, which I think, is much needed when you are expecting. Nancy, my midwife, has been using them for anatomy scans forever, so they are very comfortable working with her patients.

This scan was much different than the scan I had with Lula. First of all, I wasn't flooded with worry that they would find markers for Down's. Secondly, I had my husband there! Ryan was in Alaska when I had the Level III with Lula, so I was SO excited to have him there, and he felt the same. The woman who performed the ultrasound was wonderful too. She showed us everything, pointed everything out for us to see. She answered questions, and was overall very professional, but warm. I actually got to SEE the scan this time...they don't show you the scan on level III's. The guy last time didn't talk to us at all, only to tell us the sex. I just felt very involved this time, and it was just what I needed.

The scan was incredibly clear. They said they were spoiled, that they never get scans this clear. I mean, you could see everything. She went ahead and attributed that to me being "thin". I wanted to laugh out loud. I feel anything but thin right now. I made sure she commented on that one more time before I left. (LOVE her already). Right when the woman showed me the two little white lines, I knew it was a girl, even before she said it. Looked just like Lula. Instantly a smile was plastered on my face and a few tears ran down too. A girl.

Girl Bits

The doctor said her heart was beautiful and very strong. Everything looked fabulous. It was amazing seeing her mouth open and close. Seeing her fingers and toes move. Watching her punch, and then feeling it at the same time. Totally trippy. Ryan's like, "I can't believe all that is going on inside you." Me either. I had this total I AM WOMAN moment laying there. I mean, I can build people. I MAKE humans. I also make milk to feed humans. Sorry guys, but no man can top that. Not even close. Hear me roar.

You know in my last post when I said I bet my heart will grow a few sizes bigger the day of the scan? Well. It grew, and then burst. And then grew again. And, it had nothing to do with the fact that the baby is a girl. Just seeing my little bunny moving around, growing inside me, and already absolutely beautiful, just put me over the moon. Having Ryan there, watching him watch in absolute awe...just priceless. These girls are just going to love him. There isn't a better daddy for these two dolls.

I will say...yes. I am so happy it's a girl. This smile hasn't left my face since we walked out of there yesterday morning. A good friend of mine sent me a hilarious text saying that I don't have to tackle the boy "bits and pieces" quite yet. And for that, I am grateful. Growing up, I always said I wanted 8 boys. All boys. I think it's because I know what I was like growing up...and to be honest, I didn't want to deal with that shit. I told my mom yesterday that I am getting a slow start to that dream. She pointed out how interesting it is that our dreams, goals, and ideas change and morph as you get older. I never saw myself as a mother of girls. Karma, I think. And I couldn't be happier.

I feel like I can take a big breath now. We know she is healthy and thriving. We know she is a she. Now I can sit back, get huge, and think of names....hmmmmm names. Ryan and I have 4 that we both like. I am contemplating blogging about it and getting feedback...but then again...Ryan and I aren't exactly one's to choose more common or widely accepted names. Hence Lula (we've been told that her name sounds like a type of cheese, or a cow name...I actually find those kinda funny). So, we will see.

Parents, hide your sons. The Karns Family is gonna have a couple of heart-breakers.

Alright...Let's Be Honest

Ok. So, I know that several posts back I talked about how I don't have a preference on whether this baby is a boy or girl. AND, I promise you, when I wrote that, I truly did believe what I was saying. But, as this sonogram is getting closer, I have been doing some thinking on what it would be like with either a boy or a girl. The sad thing is, is that, I am already a mother. I know the gender outcome doesn't matter. At all. All that matters is that the little baby that they place in your arms is there, alive, and well. I know all this. So, I do know how absolutely ridiculous I sound when I say that I really really really really want a girl. *Cue gasps, hands over mouths, and whispers of how superficial I am being*

I think that the main reason I am feeling this way is because Ryan and I both have brothers, and I would love to see the sister dynamic in my home. And, I know that we could have a little girl later on too, since yes, we want more than just two children. But Lula will only be two years older than this child, and how cool to see sisters so close?! I also just absolutely love my daughter. I love all the girly pink cuteness that she is. She is a princess and I would love more of that filling my home. Boys are a whole other species. I don't know boys, I know girls. So maybe, the unknown is what is giving me "boy anxiety" too. The whole penis thing freaks me out a little bit as well. I've only changed diapers with girl bits, not boy bits. Can I wipe it with some pressure? Or do I just dab around it? What about poo-poo diapers?! There is "stuff" that can get all coated in it. Then there is the constant yanking on it and talking about it that comes a few years later. And, what do you call "it"? (Please add your answer to this in your comments) Don't get me wrong, I do eventually want a son. I really do. I think having all girls may send me to the drink. Speaking of drink, I'll take a healthy glass of Zinfandel...wine, how I miss you... I just want a girl this time. That's all.

I have been keeping this secret for a couple of weeks now, and I just told Ryan and my mom the other day. My mom thought I should blog about it, since this blog has been a great outlet for me, and I have been getting such great feedback from everyone. *SideNote Thanks to your feedback and sending my blog along to new people, a writing job has been presented to me through a pretty well-known magazine. I will be sure to keep you all posted and will make an official announcement when things are well, official* So, here I am, laying my dirty laundry out for you all. I have exactly a week to get back to where I was before, where I will be ecstatic with either a boy or a girl. Put your judgements aside, and help a sister out. Please keep in mind, that I am pregnant and easily brought to tears.

So, a week from today, I will be announcing to you all our big news, and I am sure a little love note to our baby girl or boy will follow. I do know for sure, whether pink or blue, my heart is going to grow a few sizes bigger that day. <3 Can't wait.

Ryan and I

I started this blog to chronicle my natural pregnancy and childbirth journey. If I didn't write about how I met my husband, and the person he is, it would be a story without a beginning, a story without all the substance that holds it together. All the good guts. So here is a little love story for you to enjoy...

I first saw Ryan as I worked behind the teller counter at a small bank in Ellensburg. I was recently single, coming out of a pretty serious relationship where I was actually engaged for a short time. This doesn't mean I wasn't eager to mingle with the boys... I was having fun meeting some new people and was enjoying the dating scene.

Ryan would come into the bank once a month to pay his car payment. I thought he was so damn good-looking in his baseball hat, dirty Car-harts, work boots, and his mysterious eyes that made me wonder if he was an asshole, or just someone with a past and some layers to get through (spoiler: he is the latter :)) He never said a word to me. But, I did catch him looking at me and waiting for my line to clear up before he made his deposit. I tried to make small talk with him as I made his deposit, going as slow as possible so I could maybe get more than just a smirk from him.

I would anticipate his truck pulling into our parking lot, and would get so excited when he finally would. One day, he actually asked me what I was doing that weekend. I was dumbfounded and proceeded to make an ass of myself (this is a whole other story that a few of you know, but isn't appropriate for some of my readers, mostly my parents). Then what seemed fate-like, I started seeing him at the gym. I made sure to give him my very best googly eyes, flirty smile, whatever I could to get him to come and talk to me. He was either extremely shy, already in a relationship, or just plain stupid. I mean, I was OBVIOUS. After a couple weeks playing this game at the gym, he came up and talked to me while I was doing weights. And finally, he had my number.

That same weekend, one of my friends was leaving Ellensburg to Seattle to start a new chapter in her life. One of my girlfriends who was going to her going away dinner that weekend told me that her husband was talking to one of his friends, and that he mentioned my name. Her husband was childhood friends with Ryan! AND he was going to the dinner too. Oh boy. Small town for the win. I remember getting ready and trying on however many outfits...finally settling on a flow-y tube top, trouser jeans that made my butt look great, and my white leather wedges. Perfect. We had dinner at the local mexican restaurant and Josie, her husband, and Ryan were late. I was so worried they weren't going to show. Then they did. He was spiffed up a little. Out of his Car-Harts and looking mighty fine.

Dinner was fun. Lots of laughs, flirty jabs towards each other, and butterflies that wouldn't stop in my stomach. He offered to drive me home, which I was so excited for. He took me around on some of the old roads he surveyed for work, and we talked and got to know each other on our summer evening drive. Afterwards, he took me to his house to have a beer and meet some of his roommates. I didn't want to call it a night, but didn't want to linger too long. He dropped me off at my house, and kissed me the best goodnight kiss ever. I WAS ON CLOUDS.

We continued to spend time together and sometime that summer I started calling him my boyfriend. We spent the 4th of July on the Teanaway, hiked the Enchantments to Lake Colchuck, met each other's families, camped, my 21st birthday, it was the best summer. The following summer we moved in together. We got a cabin (700 sq ft) out in the middle of nowhere. I hated that cabin. We were secluded out there. Fought like cats and dogs. The snow didn't leave until June. I now look back on that cabin with only the fondest of memories, and if I could, I would transport us back there when it was just him and me. Very little responsibilities and all the time in the world for us to enjoy each other, play, and grow in our love. If only I knew then what I know now.

Ryan took me to Multnomah Falls Memorial Day of 2008. We hiked to the top of the Falls and he got down on his knees in the muddy ground and pulled out a ring. (Our engagement story is actually funny and quite endearing, another post for another time). We were married December 6th of that year at a beautiful lodge in the woods of Easton, Wa.

Our love story takes a turn here. Every story has conflict to overcome, and it's the fight to win that gives more depth and meaning to a story. A month after we were married, Ryan was laid off from his job as a land surveyor from a company he worked for for close to 6 years. There were no steady jobs around Ellensburg, and Ryan found odd jobs here and there to keep him busy and help make ends meet. Ryan is an extremely hard worker, and likes to be busy. We were still in that little cabin and our world just crashed in around us. I had to get out of that cabin and out of Ellensburg, so I decided to go to school 3 days a week in Seattle for massage. Ryan decided to go fishing in Alaska for the summer to bring in some good money for us, which was a good decision, because a few weeks before he left, I found out I was pregnant. Our first year of marriage was filled with loss, uncertainty, loneliness, worry, and frustration. We felt we just couldn't get ahead.

We turned against each other instead of towards each other many times. Blaming instead of forgiving. Instead of nurturing our new and fragile life together, the stress and worry planted itself and began a process of destruction. Turned our hearts cold.

We welcomed our daughter with pure elation on December 12th 2009, 6 days after our 1 yr anniversary. Ryan still didn't have a steady job, and was working a month long gig at Boeing in Auburn right when she was born. He was working strange hours, exhausted with a new baby, and we were staying with my parents until his job was over. We had a place in Cle Elum that we settled into when he was done, and he started doing some construction work with a buddy. Times were tough, and we were exhausted. Ryan ended up getting a job offer from the company that he worked for at Boeing and we moved back over to my parent's home until we found a place of our own. I was happy to be close to friends and family, but our marriage never healed, and we never had a chance to just breathe and be a family. This job led to the job that he has now, which we are so blessed by. Not just a job, but a career that Ryan will be growing and learning in for many years to come. We have a house now. We aren't consumed with financial worry.

Yet, like I said before, we never healed. We had the house, the job, the security. But why weren't we happy? There were times I didn't want to do life with him anymore. Convinced myself I had made a mistake in choosing him as my husband. I saw all our differences and not our similarities. Thought for sure that I could never be happy with our marriage again. My heart was in a dark place.

Then, it wasn't anymore. Almost just like that. I had to choose to pull myself out of the hole. I had to choose to continue this with him, just like I chose to marry him. I started seeing all the wonderful things about our marriage and my husband. Started realizing that life dealt us shitty cards at first, and that we can be stronger because of it, or just decide to call it quits. That this can be a part of our love story that makes it better. More rich. And it is.

Let me tell you a few things about my husband. Ryan chose to try and provide for his wife and his unborn daughter by leaving for months to fish and make money. It was an extremely hard decision for him, but he did what he had to do. Ryan wrote to me and to Lula in a journal while he was gone. Something that Lula and I will cherish for the rest of our lives. Ryan functioned on just a couple hours of sleep when Lula was born, and did very labor intensive work to provide for us. He never complained. Not once. When we settled into our place in Cle Elum, Ryan was working long hours doing construction, came home to a wife suffering through postpartum depression and a baby who only stopped crying when he would do laps in the house while wearing her in a sling. He would let me sleep while he would be up for hours trying to settle Lula down, then leave early to go and build houses. He got me help for the postpartum, and supported me and held my hand through a very dark time. When I wanted to give up on us, he fought even harder and wouldn't let me go. He really loves me, and has proven to me that he would do anything for me.

Ryan makes dinners when I don't feel well. Let's me sleep in when he needs it most. Doesn't complain when the house is messy, he has no clean clothes, or he has to eat scrambled eggs for dinner again. He thinks I'm beautiful all of the time, goes and gets me treats when my pregnancy cravings are in full force, and tells me that all he wants in this world is for me to be truly happy. Ryan is an amazing father. He is very involved with Lula. He is a cloth-diapering, baby-wearing, on the floor with toys kind of dad. And this makes my heart glow. We have our differences. We do things that annoy the hell out of each other. We've had a tough first couple of years. But I won. I have the best man on the planet. I get to spend my life with a man who treats me with love and respect. We are going to have more times when things get hard. So hard you can't see the light. But, we've made it through some tough times, so I believe we can do it again. And again. We are still working on us, and I think that is key. The more fuel and energy we put into our relationship and marriage, the better the output. Input, output.

I think that this is just the first couple of chapters. I am excited to write the rest of our story with a wonderful man who is loyal, loving, and extremely determined. I guarantee you that the Karns Family will do some great things. Stay tuned :-)

Welcome to My World

I just got back from visiting a dear friend of mine who has two little boys and another little one on the way. I love this woman, because she is so real. She doesn't try to be anything than what she is, and she is very true to her beliefs. I hope when I grow up I am more like that. Anyways, she was apologizing, saying that her house was a disaster and how she hates when it gets like that and so on. I am the same way. I hate when my house turns into a disaster. I like things picked up, tidied. Though, I am not a clean freak by any means. You won't see me on my hands and knees scrubbing my floors but about once every couple of weeks. I vacuum once or twice a week, but not everyday. Most dog owners who are clean freaks would have a heart attack if they read I don't vacuum everyday. My kitchen stays in it's "used" state until after dinner, which means if you came over around noon, there would be breakfast stuff, crumbs from bread, banana peels, and Lula snacks and cups on my counters. I dust when I notice there is dust, sometimes I wait till it bothers me. I would like an immaculate home. But like my friend, I have a little one, the same square footage as her (about 1200 sq ft), and not a ton of time or energy to devote to anything but keeping my child happy, fed, and occupied. Plus, we're pregnant and feel like shit.

We got to talking, and we discussed how there is this pressure, especially on stay-at-home mom's to keep there house in a particular state. I mean, we are home all day, so what is the problem? We get the pressure from other moms, parents, friends, but mostly, I think we put the pressure on ourselves to try and show the world that we have it together and we can handle it all.

I could keep my house perfect. But this would mean I would be chasing around my daughter, picking up after her CONSTANTLY. I would have to keep her occupied by putting on mindless TV, so I could mop, sweep, whatever. I have gotten to the point where I have realized, "LIFE IS TOO SHORT!" My daughter will only be this wonderful, fun age once. I want to spend time with her. Watch her explore and learn in her world. I want to be present and I want to truly listen to her and my husband. The laundry can wait. The dishes can wait. There are too many precious moments that happen everyday for me to constantly be keeping my house absolutely perfect, and for whom, exactly?

I find myself scrambling before someone comes over to vacuum, sweep, pick up, mop, whatever. To what? Impress them that I have a clean home? Lula is the one who suffers when I ignore her following me around while I deep clean the living room. I have decided not to do this anymore. If you want to come over, you will see my house as it is. (hint: if you want to come over when it's clean, come over in the evenings or on Saturday mornings :-)).

My friend told me she wishes all of our mom friends would post pictures of their homes in the middle of the day. How there house really is in the middle of the day, right after you put the kiddos down for nap. What their living rooms look like after they step on one of the hundreds of matchbox cars that are strewn over the floor. This would make us feel better, more normal, and validate that we are still good moms and good wives. Well, I'll be the first to do it. This is what my house looks like right now, right after we got back from her house, right after I laid Lula down for her nap. And this is how it will remain until about 15 mins before Ryan gets home.

Side Note: This isn't even bad. I think my "Hurricane Lula Day" will be another post for another time. Haven't gotten myself to take pictures of one of those days...

We haven't moved Lula's kitchen into her room yet, so it sits here. At this moment, most of her food is in her basket, but this is not always the case

Crayons and stickers coat the carpet.

The living room. Notice, it is not all Lula's stuff. My massage table is still hanging out in here since Monday.

Laundry that is starting to climb up the wall

Clean laundry that I was proud to get done, but just hasn't made it's way to the appropriate areas.

Kitchen, after breakfast and lunch.

And guess what? I am assuming this will be considered clean when we add some more kiddos to our brood. And, I think I will be OK with that.