Ryan and I

I started this blog to chronicle my natural pregnancy and childbirth journey. If I didn't write about how I met my husband, and the person he is, it would be a story without a beginning, a story without all the substance that holds it together. All the good guts. So here is a little love story for you to enjoy...

I first saw Ryan as I worked behind the teller counter at a small bank in Ellensburg. I was recently single, coming out of a pretty serious relationship where I was actually engaged for a short time. This doesn't mean I wasn't eager to mingle with the boys... I was having fun meeting some new people and was enjoying the dating scene.

Ryan would come into the bank once a month to pay his car payment. I thought he was so damn good-looking in his baseball hat, dirty Car-harts, work boots, and his mysterious eyes that made me wonder if he was an asshole, or just someone with a past and some layers to get through (spoiler: he is the latter :)) He never said a word to me. But, I did catch him looking at me and waiting for my line to clear up before he made his deposit. I tried to make small talk with him as I made his deposit, going as slow as possible so I could maybe get more than just a smirk from him.

I would anticipate his truck pulling into our parking lot, and would get so excited when he finally would. One day, he actually asked me what I was doing that weekend. I was dumbfounded and proceeded to make an ass of myself (this is a whole other story that a few of you know, but isn't appropriate for some of my readers, mostly my parents). Then what seemed fate-like, I started seeing him at the gym. I made sure to give him my very best googly eyes, flirty smile, whatever I could to get him to come and talk to me. He was either extremely shy, already in a relationship, or just plain stupid. I mean, I was OBVIOUS. After a couple weeks playing this game at the gym, he came up and talked to me while I was doing weights. And finally, he had my number.

That same weekend, one of my friends was leaving Ellensburg to Seattle to start a new chapter in her life. One of my girlfriends who was going to her going away dinner that weekend told me that her husband was talking to one of his friends, and that he mentioned my name. Her husband was childhood friends with Ryan! AND he was going to the dinner too. Oh boy. Small town for the win. I remember getting ready and trying on however many outfits...finally settling on a flow-y tube top, trouser jeans that made my butt look great, and my white leather wedges. Perfect. We had dinner at the local mexican restaurant and Josie, her husband, and Ryan were late. I was so worried they weren't going to show. Then they did. He was spiffed up a little. Out of his Car-Harts and looking mighty fine.

Dinner was fun. Lots of laughs, flirty jabs towards each other, and butterflies that wouldn't stop in my stomach. He offered to drive me home, which I was so excited for. He took me around on some of the old roads he surveyed for work, and we talked and got to know each other on our summer evening drive. Afterwards, he took me to his house to have a beer and meet some of his roommates. I didn't want to call it a night, but didn't want to linger too long. He dropped me off at my house, and kissed me the best goodnight kiss ever. I WAS ON CLOUDS.

We continued to spend time together and sometime that summer I started calling him my boyfriend. We spent the 4th of July on the Teanaway, hiked the Enchantments to Lake Colchuck, met each other's families, camped, my 21st birthday, it was the best summer. The following summer we moved in together. We got a cabin (700 sq ft) out in the middle of nowhere. I hated that cabin. We were secluded out there. Fought like cats and dogs. The snow didn't leave until June. I now look back on that cabin with only the fondest of memories, and if I could, I would transport us back there when it was just him and me. Very little responsibilities and all the time in the world for us to enjoy each other, play, and grow in our love. If only I knew then what I know now.

Ryan took me to Multnomah Falls Memorial Day of 2008. We hiked to the top of the Falls and he got down on his knees in the muddy ground and pulled out a ring. (Our engagement story is actually funny and quite endearing, another post for another time). We were married December 6th of that year at a beautiful lodge in the woods of Easton, Wa.

Our love story takes a turn here. Every story has conflict to overcome, and it's the fight to win that gives more depth and meaning to a story. A month after we were married, Ryan was laid off from his job as a land surveyor from a company he worked for for close to 6 years. There were no steady jobs around Ellensburg, and Ryan found odd jobs here and there to keep him busy and help make ends meet. Ryan is an extremely hard worker, and likes to be busy. We were still in that little cabin and our world just crashed in around us. I had to get out of that cabin and out of Ellensburg, so I decided to go to school 3 days a week in Seattle for massage. Ryan decided to go fishing in Alaska for the summer to bring in some good money for us, which was a good decision, because a few weeks before he left, I found out I was pregnant. Our first year of marriage was filled with loss, uncertainty, loneliness, worry, and frustration. We felt we just couldn't get ahead.

We turned against each other instead of towards each other many times. Blaming instead of forgiving. Instead of nurturing our new and fragile life together, the stress and worry planted itself and began a process of destruction. Turned our hearts cold.

We welcomed our daughter with pure elation on December 12th 2009, 6 days after our 1 yr anniversary. Ryan still didn't have a steady job, and was working a month long gig at Boeing in Auburn right when she was born. He was working strange hours, exhausted with a new baby, and we were staying with my parents until his job was over. We had a place in Cle Elum that we settled into when he was done, and he started doing some construction work with a buddy. Times were tough, and we were exhausted. Ryan ended up getting a job offer from the company that he worked for at Boeing and we moved back over to my parent's home until we found a place of our own. I was happy to be close to friends and family, but our marriage never healed, and we never had a chance to just breathe and be a family. This job led to the job that he has now, which we are so blessed by. Not just a job, but a career that Ryan will be growing and learning in for many years to come. We have a house now. We aren't consumed with financial worry.

Yet, like I said before, we never healed. We had the house, the job, the security. But why weren't we happy? There were times I didn't want to do life with him anymore. Convinced myself I had made a mistake in choosing him as my husband. I saw all our differences and not our similarities. Thought for sure that I could never be happy with our marriage again. My heart was in a dark place.

Then, it wasn't anymore. Almost just like that. I had to choose to pull myself out of the hole. I had to choose to continue this with him, just like I chose to marry him. I started seeing all the wonderful things about our marriage and my husband. Started realizing that life dealt us shitty cards at first, and that we can be stronger because of it, or just decide to call it quits. That this can be a part of our love story that makes it better. More rich. And it is.

Let me tell you a few things about my husband. Ryan chose to try and provide for his wife and his unborn daughter by leaving for months to fish and make money. It was an extremely hard decision for him, but he did what he had to do. Ryan wrote to me and to Lula in a journal while he was gone. Something that Lula and I will cherish for the rest of our lives. Ryan functioned on just a couple hours of sleep when Lula was born, and did very labor intensive work to provide for us. He never complained. Not once. When we settled into our place in Cle Elum, Ryan was working long hours doing construction, came home to a wife suffering through postpartum depression and a baby who only stopped crying when he would do laps in the house while wearing her in a sling. He would let me sleep while he would be up for hours trying to settle Lula down, then leave early to go and build houses. He got me help for the postpartum, and supported me and held my hand through a very dark time. When I wanted to give up on us, he fought even harder and wouldn't let me go. He really loves me, and has proven to me that he would do anything for me.

Ryan makes dinners when I don't feel well. Let's me sleep in when he needs it most. Doesn't complain when the house is messy, he has no clean clothes, or he has to eat scrambled eggs for dinner again. He thinks I'm beautiful all of the time, goes and gets me treats when my pregnancy cravings are in full force, and tells me that all he wants in this world is for me to be truly happy. Ryan is an amazing father. He is very involved with Lula. He is a cloth-diapering, baby-wearing, on the floor with toys kind of dad. And this makes my heart glow. We have our differences. We do things that annoy the hell out of each other. We've had a tough first couple of years. But I won. I have the best man on the planet. I get to spend my life with a man who treats me with love and respect. We are going to have more times when things get hard. So hard you can't see the light. But, we've made it through some tough times, so I believe we can do it again. And again. We are still working on us, and I think that is key. The more fuel and energy we put into our relationship and marriage, the better the output. Input, output.

I think that this is just the first couple of chapters. I am excited to write the rest of our story with a wonderful man who is loyal, loving, and extremely determined. I guarantee you that the Karns Family will do some great things. Stay tuned :-)